In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty.

My parents met at a bar. They've been happily in love and married for 27 years now. I kid about it but maybe it's true...I look for love at bars because it's in my genes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a curse as well as a blessing. I look at my parents and I see something rare. They are truly in love and they're not together for us kids, or for the convenience. They're together because they couldn't live without the other. I fear that I won't find that. I have this insane idea of love that I got from seeing how my parents are and sometimes I wonder if those standards are just too impossible. And I wonder if it sets me up for failure. When I put my heart into it and it doesn't work out, I begin to think it never will because it never does over and over again. And I start to wish that just this once things will go my way because what have I done for it not to? I'm a good person. I see these couples, made up of people who don't deserve what they have or don't even appreciate what they have and I question the universe and why things work out the way they do.

I find myself get this urge to be glanced at. To be found attractive by random strangers I pass on the street. When someone takes a second look, I get this giddy excitement inside of me, it's almost like a game. I'm screaming inside for someone to notice and see what a beautiful relationship we could have. I crave that attention. And then I go out, find someone and end up kissing them and trying to make something happen. And the next morning, I'm always where I started at, as if nothing ever happened.

"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight" -Andy Warhol

And the thing is, I'm still a romantic, no matter what I say to deny it. And there's a part of my heart that tells me that it will happen and I know that I have to have faith because everything happens for a reason. I just don't want to wait anymore, haven't I waited long enough? So I'll just keep kissing these boys to get my thrills until someone stands up and takes my hand and really wants me. And not just for that moment. And I'll really want them and the hopeless romantic inside me tells me that it'll actually work this time and it was all worth the wait.

"You ran home and did your laundry. You got sprung for a day."

"It's a good thing that didn't turn into a great thing. That's all."



Everything happens for a reason.

the 14th.

I still get in those funks of wondering if I'll always compare everyone to you and if I'll always think you were the only fit to me, especially on days like this...Valentines Day. I'm always hoping someone that is far better and makes me never question you again will be right around the corner. Then sometimes I wonder how long it'll take to reach the end of the street and turn that corner.

This is what my heart does to me.

But it reminds me that I'm alive and that it's possible for me to feel this way. That I can feel intensely happy in every way because of someone else and that for me to feel this way again, I need to not close myself off. I need to give people a chance and I need to let things happen. Because if I don't, I'll always be stuck and I'll miss out on someone that could be the answer and will make me realize that all that time, I was waiting for someone amazing and that everything leading up to it was preparing me for the next big one.

1.

Ah fuck
You probably don't even take the time to remember
Mayonnaise breathe and bracelets
A kiss on the lips
A reward for helping a friend

And I don't quite understand what happened
I don't know what to say anymore

I was nervous that second time around
I stood and waited as you walked through the doors
A kiss on the forehead to erase my worries
But I remember this like yesterday
And you have plenty of girls to keep you busy

Your life is playing games with a stick
And I know you are at your best
But sometimes I wish I had said something serious
Though where would that have gotten us
You scared and me regretting it

Your friend says "He loves you!" when I question why you leave
And then follows "He does that sometimes"
Maybe that was a sign
But all I see is your navy tee and those tan trousers
And your toothy grin when I said something charming

My last day
I spent it with you
Perfect sunshine, you brought me to an orchard
You told me about your mother, I wish I had said something smarter
Draped arms and closed eyes
Talking as if we'd do this again...

And I'm sitting here, haunting my own thoughts
Knowing you're doing alright and not thinking twice
Trying not to compare the "afters" to you
I don't know how I got so attached in three weeks
But that's what happens to a girl like me

Back to that memory
Lost in the forest, clammy hands
Heading to the car and I try to walk slow
You're driving me home and this is gonna be it
You're quiet

One last goodbye
A kiss I try to prolong
"We'll talk soon"
And watching your car drive away
That was my saddest day

Ah fuck
You probably don't even take the time to remember
And I can't forget.

What I've learned in 2011...

*I've learned to fully embrace life and live for the moment, to not hold back and to just take it all in.

*I've learned to deal with heartache, and I've realized that I may not ever be over you but I can move on and be happy.

*I've learned to not put too much hope into anyone until they have proven otherwise.

*I've learned that people change and to never give up on someone that once was a friend, because they can be that person again.

*I've learned that there's so many things in the world for me and that I don't have to be stuck anywhere, the world is waiting.

*I've learned that even the people that were closest to you can screw you over and once they do that, it's done.

*I've learned that I can do what I want to do in life and that I give myself too little credit sometimes.

*I've learned to open myself up to people on a different level because I am someone to get to know, more so than I thought before.


I would have to say that 2011 has been my best year yet. I've changed so much and most of that comes from going to Cambridge, I can never replace that experience. My eyes and heart have been opened in ways that I never imagined and although sometimes I think this makes me more vulnerable, I think it's made me a stronger person as well. Thank you 2011, it's been amazing. I can only hope 2012 will be as amazing, if not, better.

xxx,
April

I had great talks with two of my friends today.  I realize that all I need to focus on is making ME happy and forget those that only bring sadness and make me feel insecure.  I am amazing.  If you don't see that then I don't want to waste my time with you.  I want to share my time with people that see this and make me feel invincible.  Life's too short to worry about why that guy didn't text me back, or how that person could forget me so easily.  I'm young and free, so you're not going to ruin my time.  There's always someone better waiting in the future and I have to remember that.  Sometimes I dwell on certain people because I think what a great catch they are, but hey, I'M a great catch.   And if you're not proud to stand next to me then you're not worth my time being upset over you.  That's not gonna happen anymore.  There's always someone bigger and better and if you don't open your eyes to it then you'll never find it.  On to the next.

Like my Grandma says, "Cute doesn't cut it."

Your friend told me, "Don't break his heart."
I said, "If anything it's gonna be the other way around."
He said, "No, it won't."
Guess who was right.
He broke mine.

I remember laying there next to you, watching you sleep as I laid my head against your shoulder and my hand across your chest.  Peaceful, it made me feel utter happiness, thought it all finally made sense, but again it was too good to be true.  Felt so much love when the lights went out, but lost the feeling when the sun came up.

Oh, been trying to let it go

Trying to keep my eyes closed

Trying to keep it just like before

The times we never even thought to speak

Don't wanna tell you what it is

But it felt so serious

It's got me thinking just too much

I wanna set it off, but

It's this one thing that's got me trippin'