In the night your heart is full and by the morning empty.

My parents met at a bar. They've been happily in love and married for 27 years now. I kid about it but maybe it's true...I look for love at bars because it's in my genes.

Sometimes I wonder if it's a curse as well as a blessing. I look at my parents and I see something rare. They are truly in love and they're not together for us kids, or for the convenience. They're together because they couldn't live without the other. I fear that I won't find that. I have this insane idea of love that I got from seeing how my parents are and sometimes I wonder if those standards are just too impossible. And I wonder if it sets me up for failure. When I put my heart into it and it doesn't work out, I begin to think it never will because it never does over and over again. And I start to wish that just this once things will go my way because what have I done for it not to? I'm a good person. I see these couples, made up of people who don't deserve what they have or don't even appreciate what they have and I question the universe and why things work out the way they do.

I find myself get this urge to be glanced at. To be found attractive by random strangers I pass on the street. When someone takes a second look, I get this giddy excitement inside of me, it's almost like a game. I'm screaming inside for someone to notice and see what a beautiful relationship we could have. I crave that attention. And then I go out, find someone and end up kissing them and trying to make something happen. And the next morning, I'm always where I started at, as if nothing ever happened.

"Everybody winds up kissing the wrong person goodnight" -Andy Warhol

And the thing is, I'm still a romantic, no matter what I say to deny it. And there's a part of my heart that tells me that it will happen and I know that I have to have faith because everything happens for a reason. I just don't want to wait anymore, haven't I waited long enough? So I'll just keep kissing these boys to get my thrills until someone stands up and takes my hand and really wants me. And not just for that moment. And I'll really want them and the hopeless romantic inside me tells me that it'll actually work this time and it was all worth the wait.